Zed

1:08AM - Really?

Feeling sad. Feeling my age. Guess pms has me in its grips again. I feel blue.

Good to go to church. How lost would I be without the little faith that I have?

It's better for me to admire from afar. An ocean away is sometimes perfect~

4:48PM - Busy yet not

Not sure what's going on. Things are much better with the family. I think I really need to relax and not make my family members stress. Just gets difficult when I think I know what's beat for everyone. But usually I'm right. Funny how that goes.

Funny. The people I used to date are just lingering around me. It goes no where it means nothing.

I like the boy in Taiwan. Mostly because he is in Taiwan.

6:40PM - Crazy

I feel like I'm a mean ogre. Feeling like shot these days. Hoping to turn this around.

1:29AM - Whatever

I'm so pissed. Angry. I hate everything.

12:40AM - Lame

So easy to reenact the past. Realizing my mom is really just a five year old in an old woman's body. My sister is a selfish stupid bitch. And I am crazy.

I hate this.

12:17PM - Memory lane

Just saw JH. How can one so bratty be sweet? A mystery.

2:08PM - Better days

The days seem to be getting better. I've been praying a lot. A ton actually. And I think it's helping my mindset.

I pray for Dot, the ex, and my siblings, my parents... the usual yada yada.

I think it's getting better.

I'm also reading a lot. And just doing stuff to keep my mind busy. Better to think good thoughts than bad ones. Right?

There are some funny things going on.

I met up again with KL. And that was years and years ago. He is still an attractive/good looking guy. He is interested. I am not so much. Isn't that nuts? I had such a crush on him when I was younger. Now, there is just lingering feelings of that crush... and just wanting to be friends.

There is this amazingly hot guy at the gym. He is stunningly beautiful in that model way. I wonder what he is like. I wonder what it's like to be that beautiful and be lonely. He looks lonely to me.

He was sitting outside the sauna today. I think he was waiting for me. Or I'd like to think he was waiting for me. But I'm shy. He's beautiful. I don't think we'll be talking any time soon.

Things are better with the family.

I'm learning to let go of things.

I think I'm a slow work in progress type of gal. It is going to take some time.

At least I'm learning.

I feel young. I feel like there's so much more time.

Time is precious. I need to make the most of things.

I want to be happy, content, patient, understanding, forgiving, and fulfilled.

Not sure if I ever made a guy list:

stable
loves family and God
I have chemistry with him
trustworthy
kind
smart
does not do drugs/smoking
light social drinker
not addicted to porn/sex/lying
has good relationships with friends and family
treats me well
considers me a priority
helps me grow as a person
great personality
good sense of humor
generous with time and self
loves me
i love him
challenges me to be myself
is confident

I'm sure the list can go on and on.

I will keep thinking about this.

I've been praying about the following:

God to grant me patience, understanding, and forgiveness
- to not make bad choices that are hurtful towards me or other people
- to be kind towards others
- to be understanding towards my siblings and towards Dot and the ex.
- to take away my fears of loneliness, pettiness, anger/upsetness

Good thoughts create good energy.

I want this and need it.

1:13AM - A very good day

Had a great tday today. Went to church. Went to lunch and then two BBQs.

Had great conversations with people too.

A wonderful day!

12:11AM - Saturday night

Today was a fair day. Nothing that thrilled me. It was mellow. Had a good time at the gym. It was fabulous getting all the toxins and aggressions out.

Then had a great dinner with M and I. They're great girls. Maybe I should have stayed with them.

Instead went to a bday party and met up with some other people. And I was reminded that I'm not dating anyone and that I'm lonely.

I talked toarried people and they're going through rough times. They want to do fun stuff. I talk to the singles and they aren't happy being one

Are we ever happy?

I want to be happy. I am grateful for what I have and my family and friends.

I hthink we all go through stages of loneliness. It happens. We want to love and be loved.

I pray for my family. that we will find peace and happiness. I pray for my friends that we will do right by God and each other. I pray for myself that I will make good decisions and will find happiness and be content.

God loves me. This I know|

5:01PM - Hello

I decided to resurrect this journal once again. Not sure why. I guess it's because I've been doing a lot of introspection and meditation.

I don't want people to know about this journal. I don't want people to talk anymore.

In fact, I think I'll lay off some of the twittering that I've been doing.

I get the feeling that people read way too much into what I write. I don't really understand why this happens.

I have a strong personality. And that's probably why it gets to be a point of rumors and gossip.

I've been trying to get past being angry and Dot, my sister, and Dot's bf. It's been a very trying past couple of weeks. And I can't believe it already has been a couple of weeks. Time seems to be flying by so quickly.

I was so upset with all of them. I felt that they were making feel awful. That they were trying to make me feel bad. I think Dot's bf might have been actively hating on me. And maybe Dot is just v. weak and influenced by him. I don't know. I know Dot is weak. Dot has a problem drinking and seems tortured by her own mind.

My sister? Well, she's got her own set of things. She's going through a rough patch as well. And I need to be more understanding of her to STOP judging her and making demands.

We are all imperfect creatures. And I need to get over my expectations of how people "should" treat me.

I should have boundaries and good sense of self. I shouldn't expect other people to validate me.

While I care about Dot and my sister, I can't control them.

I have the right to be treated well. And if that doesn't happen, then I need to step back.

I might see JH this coming week. It might end in disaster. He's asking for something that I'm not willing to give. Gay love really isn't for me. It would be interesting to see him again.

I'm strong.
I have goals.
I will attain them.

Empowerment of self is a good thing.

Believe in me.

God believes in me... so shall I.

5:32PM - Little Ideas Running Through My Brain

It seems that lately, I wrote more negative things than positive. It could be due to the general lackluster economy, state of the world... state of my mind.

I'm hoping that this will change soon. I'm taking a big trip in about a week's time. From what people keep telling me - amazing food, nice people, and beautiful sites. I'm IN!

Took friends out over Memorial Day weekend. And I think as we get older, women get more complain-y. They seem to gripe a lot. It took forever for all of them to get into the club. And once they were inside, it was too hot, too cold... too crowded/LOUD (um. we're at a club)... and just too too much.

It was great seeing them. But SHOCKINGLY, I had a much better time when they left and I was with much LM (lower maintenance) friends. You know, the kind that can have fun in pretty much any given environment at any given time.

I caught up with friends that I haven't seen in a year or so. Seems like they're (me too) doing the same things... just different year.

I got to talking to a guy while waiting in line for the restroom. I spotted him earlier in the night because him and his buddy were head & shoulders (like the dandruff shampoo) over a sea of Asians. A friend said he was a FOB from Taiwan. Uhm... no. He's from the states... and doesn't speak Mandarin v. well. :)

So fun talking to him and realizing we knew a ton of people in common. He was NOT an asshole like I thought he might be... He WAS a good conversationalist, fun, and sweet. Too bad he lives in NorCal.

We ended up talking for the rest of the night. My friends would pass by us and give us the googly eyes, while we were sitting on a bench in the outside lounge/fireplace area. Ah friends... we will never really reach mature adulthood. Will we?

The music cut off and the lights came on. It was time to leave. There was some lingering. We decided to go eat instead of calling it a night. Late night food with a charming person is fun.

Police barricades due to LA Marathon is so NOT fun. What should have been a 20 minute ride back to my car ended up being an hour? Ugh.

He told me to "find him on facebook". Okaaaaaay. He got my number earlier in the night... but whatevers. The hug goodbye was nice. Funny that his face seemed to end up sliding up my arm. How'd he manage that? Felt interesting.

---

On another NOT fun night = last night.

1. People shouldn't continue asking their friends if they want to do a shot (esp. if friend declined more than 20 times).
2. People shouldn't tell backhanded compliments to their friends. I just don't understand the verbal vomit that comes out of your mouth sometimes... :(
3. Really drunk people should cab it home before they make a complete ass out of themselves. I should have taken this advice on several occasions over the past years. (It can still help out friends NOW). Do it!
4. Guys with puppies are really popular with girls. OMG~! What cute little puppies! Will be seeing them again.

It's been interesting being back.

Body is changing from flabby grossness to slightly more toned. This is a pretty hectic pace I'm on. It will be difficult/if not impossible to maintain during the trip.

I wonder why the body holds onto the fat for dear life. I guess it's half expecting me to go on the Survivor reality TV show... and therefore trying to store up for possible starvation mode.

TRUST ME~ Dear Body, I am NOT going to be starving. Please let loose a little of your hold on the belly fat!

Thanks~

Zed.

11:37AM - alive and well

just read through a smidgen of my old journal entries. i sound like a psychotic 15 year old girl with crushes on every known korean actor.

wait a minute... maybe that really IS me.

:)

it's all pretty craptastic.

---

sit back.

enjoy the ride.

something interesting is bound to happen.

6:41PM - rock of ages

It's interesting how all on my mom's side are so healthy.

They're made of steel.

That's a good thing.

The ones they marry don't seem to be as strong...

2:27PM - So happy!

I'm so happy~

It only cost me $15 to purge all the people that used to be my friends.

And now I get to say whatever I want whenever I want without the constant looking over my cyber shoulder feeling to it.

I'm happy.

I'm glad.

Plus, no longer am I pmsing.

So, it's a good thing!!

Plus, what a cool fucking name!!!

1:01PM - squeezing of the innards

I've got major cramps.

Ow~

9:02PM - a day late and a dollar short

Ever hear that term?

Or how about too fucking late dumbass. Why be nice now? I could care less.

You should have been nicer when it mattered.

Whatever...

11:46PM - Baby Bulldog

Poke!

11:43PM - chicken

Fried Chicken rocks!

2:39PM - fireworks!

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July!

There were the most amazing fireworks this weekend. Things that sparkled and went BOOM!

Wow~

9:08PM - Murphy's law

This will sound pathetic, but whatever... The second I walk away from my phone, hapabartender calls!

Missed call and no message. Ok. I get it. You're a cool guy. You probably have girls chasing you every which way, in whatever city you're in because your good looks transcends race and ethnic lines.

However! I am not all girls! I am someone that hasn't been kissed in nearly 4 months! That makes me special!!! And desparate (sh! be quiet!)

It doesn't help that I don't have friends here in whiteyville! All my friends and anyone remotely attractively Asian doesn't live here! Except for that Asian guy from my gym THAT I NEVER SAW AGAIN!

I'm not cranky. I think I just set my expectations to where it may not happen.

I'm just bored. I don't blame this guy. He's visiting family and friends. I'm surprised he contacted me at all. But I was going as the old AT&T commercial went... That he would each out and touch someone... Namely me!

Happy 4th of July!